Joseph Weaver.

I grew up in Berne Indiana as part of Amish culture. I come from a family of 10, me being the 2nd youngest. We spent a lot of time with some of our cousins, going to each other's houses for meals. We played many games together and have a lot of fond memories.

When I was 7-8 years old I walked in a barn and witnessed a few cousins "exploring" each other. That was my first encounter in such a situation. Fortunately God protected me from being a participant or victim of sexual abuse in my early years.

My dad was quick to punish us children when he thought we misbehaved or didn't listen. His go to was a1/2" doll rod. I received many welts and bruises across my backside from it. I began to hate the stick, so when I was 12-13 years old after getting beat with it, I pushed down my fear of dad far enough that I snuck the stick out of the wash house and hid it. Mom used the stick to get laundry out of her washer, so that night at the supper table she wondered out loud what happened to her laundry stick! Fear started creeping in that dad would lose his temper again and punish me for it but he barely missed a beat and continued eating. He did stop whooping us kids when we were about 15 years or so, so one day when I figured he wasn't gonna use the stick anymore, it "magically" appeared by mom's washer again!

My childhood wasn't too bad besides the occasional beating though, my parents tried to create a stable environment for us the best they knew how, living in a religious culture like that. When I was 11 years old, my 3rd oldest brother got killed from a buggy-semi accident. That rocked my world upside-down. Coming from a family that didn't show much of any type of emotions, it was difficult for all of us to work through the grief.

At 14-15 years old I discovered masturbation, which led to dabbling into beastialty. There was no sex education or even explaining the function of our body parts in our family so my education came from uneducated boys my age. I discovered none of us really knew what we were talking about so this started me off on a path fantasizing about sex and lust which eventually carried over into my marriage and really struggled in that area for quite a few years.

I remember working in dad's shop, loud machines running, many times while working at one of the machines I would hear an audible voice call my name. I would look around to see who was calling but there was never anyone close by. I had no idea it was God calling me then.

I became very bitter, and rebellious in my mid teens. I didn't want to be, but could seem to control myself. At 19 I threw a huge party, my brother ended up calling the cops on us and broke up the party. I was already a member of the amish church so I knew I was going to be shunned for 6 weeks, also expecting my brother to be shunned for involving the authorities. The next Sunday they voted to shun me but my brother was able to make his "confession" that day. I was very hurt, my dad being the bishop.

Years later after becoming born again God allowed me to revisit that day and showed me that was the day He revealed the hypocrisy of religion to me. I immediately wanted to talk to my brother and thank him for doing what he did for the first time in my life!

I married a wonderful woman named Saraetta at 21. We had our first baby at the hospital, than because of our financial situation we decided to do a home birth with a mid wife with our second baby. Everything went good with the birth, but when it was time for the placenta to come out, it wasn't detaching from the uterus. The mid wife tried to make it release but as she pulled on it the uterus and everything came out as well. My wife was in excruciating pain and started hemorrhaging and losing consciousness. Midwife's helper called the ambulance first. I watched helpless as my wife was bleeding out and fading fast before my eyes and there was nothing I could do to stop it. It seemed like an eternity but there was a first responder there within a few minutes. I have no idea how many times I called 911 to see where the ambulance was. Time seemed to freeze, but everything happened really quick.

They stabilized her and loaded her in the ambulance, mid wife offered to take me and the baby in her car following the ambulance to the hospital. She looked in the mirror at me and asked if I would pray for my wife. I was silent for a long moment before I could tell her I didn't know how to pray out loud. The only time I had ever prayed out loud was from the German prayer book reciting the prayers in it. I was deeply ashamed of myself, supposed to be a Christian and portraying myself to be one but not being able to pray from my heart.

Finally arrived at the hospital, they rushed me in and started making me sign papers as fast as I could. In the meantime they had already rushed my wife in and immediately went into surgery. Later the doctor told us he was not expecting my wife to be alive by the time we came to the hospital from hearing all the reports come in. With the amount of blood lost and everything that went down it is only be God's grace that she is still here.

We struggled financially for most of our early years in marriage. We almost lost our home in 2010, my wife was chronically depressed so she was in bed a lot, not able to function. I was gone 5 days out of the week from 5am to 6pm so my oldest daughter taught herself at 4 years old to light up the kerosene kitchen stove and make grilled cheese for her and the kids. I loved my wife and kids the best I knew how but me not being free from sexual addiction, not seeing a way out financially, coupled with my wife's depression,and living in a culture where there were constant church issues, it was not a good combination. I really tried to be a good person but felt like life was being squeezed out of me slowly. There were days where I would completely check out, days where I couldn't cope with the stress anymore. There were many days where I would lose control of my emotions and cry and cry. The only prayer that seemed to be able to cross my lips was "why, God" over and over. I didn't have anyone in my life that I could go to for help. I didn't know I could go to anyone. So alcohol became a crutch for me. I had always drank alcohol from my mid teens but prided myself being in "control" of it. But through the worst days I would binge drink to try and ease the pain I was feeling.

I would try to read the Bible, we only had German, being taught that the English bibles could lead you astray! Many times I would start reading, only to set it down in frustration because I wasn't understanding what I was reading. I would look at those big German books longing to know the secrets they hold, knowing it is impossible with my very limited knowledge of the language.

My wife desired to have an English bible and voiced it to an acquaintance. She ended up sending us her personal bible full of notes, highlights and coffee stains. Fast forward, over the next few years we slowly started reading in English, wondering in amazement why they only preach stories in part out of the bible. I never heard anyone talk about being saved, except to be warned that anyone that gets a "strange belief" is extremely dangerous to be around and they are in danger of eternal damnation!

After a few years of having more than normal church issues, we decided to move out of the community we were living in, into a more liberal community hoping and praying for a less stressful, more fulfilling life. We did not get the blessings from our home church or my family to move. Being told we will be shunned and no longer part of the family. My wife and I were still under the influence of religion so we decided for our sanity we cannot stay where we are but we're going through with the move shunned or not. But we pray and fast that the church cannot get an agreement to shun us. For the first time in my life, I felt the assurance that God actually does answer prayers. They were not able to shun us!

In October 2016 I hit my knees thanking God for an answered prayer, giving glory to Him, and saying from now on I live for Him, and never compromising my faith in Him again. I stood up a man with a new heart, for the first time in my life, the feeling of condemnation gone. It was surreal. I wasn't sure what happened, but I knew something deep within me changed. I began devouring the gospel reading passages about salvation, (Romans 10:9)how we are children of God, that God sees us as holy and blameless (Colossians 1:22) I was amazed! Could I really have a life free of guilt and condemnation?? !! It didn't seem possible, but I knew something had changed within me.

So was I going to continue believing what I was taught to believe or choose to start believing the Word I was so hungry for ? To continue believing what I was taught in the Amish meant still having some type of relationship with family, the other option was losing any relationships with family and most friends. I wanted both.

My wife was on a journey of truth as well and we would talk about the scriptures and we would agree that it's just not adding up but didn't know how to change things to live out the truth and fit in with the Amish culture at the same time. I kept reading the Word seeking God's will for us, but over the next few years I became increasingly miserable.

Knowing what scripture teaches about salvation, to be born again, but not being able to live like that. I was deeply convicted one day. The deacon made the dreadful visit at our house because a "concerned" member of the church thought he witnessed something that was a concern to him. It ended up being nothing but as I sat on the steps of our home watching him leave God took me back to the day where I promised to not compromise my faith in Him , I knew without a doubt that I failed, caving into the role of condemnation even if it wasn't so. It felt like a pit in my stomach. I hit my knees begging God for a way out, thinking You rescued us once Lord by answering our prayers. I know you can do it again.

It wasn't long, God put it on my heart to pray and fast again. This time for my wife. I was ready to leave the Amish but she wasn't ready. She knew we needed to make changes in our life but we both didn't know how. God put a peace in me through that time, and I felt at peace knowing somehow I would be ok living my life out like this. A little later one day as she was praying God spoke to her and said "you need to leave" she said she cant but god spoke again and said would you do it for my sake. Twice, god used other believers to speak to my wife, confirming that she heard correctly! Once again almost as freeing as the day I became born again, God answered a prayer I almost didn't even dare think was possible.

In January of 2020 we officially left everything we knew to start a new journey of faith. We connected with a group of people that got together weekly to study scriptures and socialize. Finally, finally I was able to open the big bible, study without restrictions. No longer were the secrets it held captive but the word started speaking to my soul. How hungry I was! Starved and parched, I devoured it.

Fast forward, we have 4 wonderful children, all of which have given their life to Christ, are baptized and actively have a personal relationship with Jesus. We still experience trials and tribulations but with God, the power of prayer and the gospel message we truly live a transformed life. That is available for you too, my friend. If God can do it for me, He can do it for you too. He loves you and so do I. You're not alone in your journey, there are many people in the kingdom ready to walk with you. Be brave, take the step. The reward is not just for someday in heaven, the reward starts on today for the rest of your life! Jesus!

Love and blessings Joseph Weaver